My Christmas Miracle

December 16, 2019

The holidays have been mighty quiet at my house.  Usually, the hustle bustle of activity, the slamming of doors, loud voices, tracks on the floor and fingerprints on the windows, lingering coffee breaks, and the aroma of holiday food surrounds me with more people than can comfortably be accommodated in my home.   So.....the quiet takes some adjustment.

Our plans all changed this year for a really good reason.  When Jonathan and Katrina announced their engagement in October, with wedding plans for February 2020, we adjusted our schedules to have a family homecoming at their wedding rather than at the holidays.  And since I had had recent visits with all of my children, I planned to have some Silent and Holy Nights of holidays at home alone.  (Well, I am never really alone.  I have my sister just across the driveway, I have Wicket, Tinker and Rixie...my trusty animals that are always present...and usually people in and out for one reason or another.)  And always, God has promised to be with me, and He is really faithful with His sweet presence.

But a couple of weeks ago, I got a text from Christi Anna that shook my center.  You see, my ultimate and everything wish on this earth is to have my family all under one roof...at least once in a while!  I am not sure why.  We are always in communication.  We text, we facetime.  We talk while riding down the road.  I keep the airlines in business.  But there is just something about being together...at home.  It is total chaos, in a small space.  It is loud.  It is a lot of work.  It is expensive.  It is inconvenient.  But nothing in the world brings more joy to this mother heart of mine than to have them all here...every single one of them.  At my house.

But Christi Anna's text read:  "Michael's request for leave for the wedding was denied.  His deployment date has been moved up and he will likely be gone by the 20th of February."  My heart sank.  It is just not the same when one is missing.  Jonathan had planned for Jeremy and Michael to officiate the ceremony, be best men, and to switch in the middle.  It was just the most disappointed I have been in years.  I have had some hard-to-deal with news...some that brought with it an intense ache... sobering grief...and lingering pain...like when Jonathan told me he was called to global missions and left for Australia.  When Jeremy, Keldy, Kezek, Ryser, Maccabee and Radley moved to the west coast...and when Michael, Christi Anna, Nolan, Josiah and Zachary moved to Texas... like when my parents left for Heaven.  But with those changes, I knew it was God's plan.  When we dedicated our babies to God, I meant it.  I wanted nothing more than for them to serve in ministry, in His Kingdom work, and to spread the gospel to the ends of the earth.  In fact,  I prayed over and over:

                                                 
                                                        Oh Lord, that you would bless us
                                                            And enlarge our territory.
                                                        May your Hand be upon us
                                                            And keep us from evil...

Especially those years when they were straying....I literally begged God to reach them.  He did.  He was faithful.  And when he drew them home and called them to serve, I could only be grateful.  (Even though I do feel like He overdid that "territory" part...:)

But this disappointment staring me in the face at this moment, and bringing sadness to my children, (Oh, and they are my children...the ones born to me, the ones married to them...and their children., too.  All mine.  No such thing as in-laws.  Whether born, married, or adopted into my line, they are mine.  Thank you God for that those rich blessings and priceless treasures that are worth way more than anything this earth has to offer!) was heavy.  It was hard and it felt unbearable.  I began to pray, as Katrina suggested, for a miracle.

Now, I am not one to pray much for miracles.  Over the years, I have tried to learn to pray for God's purpose.  If that is a miracle, then so be it!  Oh, and I do believe in them!  I have seen many in my lifetime.  Especially the past three years, though, many of my prayers have become actually wordless.  Oh, not that I don't have words.  Believe me.  I have journals of written prayers.  I have a prayer box of requests that I offer up before His throne...knowing that they become as incense to be stored until His divine timing and answer.  But in praying the Lord's prayer, I have been stuck on this phrase, "Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven..."  That's it.  That is my prayer.  God knows the prayer of my heart, it is ever before Him.  I don't want my prayers to be vain repetitions.  I want them to be effectual, fervent, answered prayers.  The kind like Elijah and Moses prayed.  And I have found that most of the work of prayer is submitting to His will.  If I can live there....that is where I want to be.

So what do I do with this feeling of despair?  this overwhelming loss of joy?  this weight of disappointment?  I wrestle with it.  I tell God my feelings and ask Him if He cares about the desire of my heart.  I ask Him if my family can be all together.....at least sometimes?  I tell Him just how much it means to me.  I tell him how sad I feel (and how cold hearted the army is...)

Then He speaks to me.  Are you still willing, today, to live for My purpose?  Are you still willing to give the children God has given you to serve My cause?  To administer My calling?  Are you willing to trust Me today, with this, and to believe that I can see the future?  That I may have an even greater purpose than your family being together?   Did I call you to be comfortable?  Did I promise that this life would be free from trouble....and sacrifice?

And so, about a week into this dialogue, I am able to give up my desire.  I am willing to acknowledge that He will bring about His purpose, His plan and His sovereign will....and I am able to let Him shape my heart, again, into His purpose, not mine.   I do want His will on earth as it is in heaven.  I truly do.  And then something amazing happens!   My peace returns.  My joy is full.  My hope is only in Him.  It is truly a miracle.  As usual, the miracle is not found in the changing of circumstances, (although it can be, oh and maybe it still will....but if not, it is ok.)  The real miracle is in the changing of the heart.  In the changing of my own heart.  The continual chiseling away at it to make it into His image....which is my purpose for living.   It is my Christmas miracle.

After this week of fighting with God, I was reading in Hebrews.  I had never read this scripture in the light of Christmas, but as only God can do, He brought these words to life in my heart:

                                      Long ago God spoke to our fathers by the prophets
                                      But in these days he has spoken to us by His Son.
                                       He is the radiance of the glory of God,
                                       The exact imprint of His nature,
                                       And He upholds the universe by the word of His power.
                                       After He has made purification for our sins,
                                       He sits at the right hand of the Majesty on High.
                                       Your throne, Oh God, is forever and ever
                                            the scepter of uprightness is the scepter of your kingdom.
                                        You have loved righteousness and hated wickedness;
                                    Therefore God, your God, has anointed you with the oil of gladness...       

                                                                                           --from Hebrews 1

Thank you, Jesus, that Your purpose trumps everything.  That Your will, not mine, is what I long for.  Thank you are the radiance of the glory of God.  Thank you for being the exact imprint of His nature and for holding the universe by the word of your power.  Thank you for anointing me with the oil of your gladness.  Thank you for this beautiful Christmas season.  May I continue to lay my all (my family) at your feet.  It is my worship.  You only are worthy.  I give my life back to you, again, because you have given yours for me.  Amen